Hello and welcome to the RENOB review: your one-stop-shop for a completely unbiased and moderately accurate reflection on the fantasy football season. I'm James Harris, local fantasy guru, recently robbed of fantasy stardom by a series of flukes, but looking to score big in the coming season.
My favorite part of the fantasy football season is the weeks before, when hope is in all our hearts and we are all undefeated. Soon that will end for many of us, and our dreams of the the ring will be crushed. Who will win, who will lose, and who will have to retake the SAT as a 25 year old will be revealed in a few short months; but as we approach the season, and yes the draft itself, I decided it is high time for ole Grunge to make some predictions about the teams before the season begins.
Jack: Diabolical and with an alarming amount of time during the workday to scan the waiver wire, Jack is currently shaking in his boots since his main target, big ole Speer has bowed out of the league. Whose team will he be able to come down on like a vulture on the side of a highway? His silver tongue has spun many deals in the past which have left other owners accusing him of some sort of mind-controlling wizardry, but this year looks different. Everyone has a few years under their belts (except newcomer Nagle), and it could be tough for him to swindle some unsuspecting owner into trading Cam Newton for a 2nd string kicker. I predict Jack will still manage to finish in the top 10% this year, but just barely. He will fail to win the championship, and slink back to his hidey hole to conjure up some magic to win 2017.
Derek: Cold and calculating, when you look at Derek you sometimes wonder if you are looking into the dead eyes of a fantasy serial killer. He knows the rules frontward and backward, but this often fails to leave him on top. I predict he will quickly piss off the hand of the commissioner with his obscure rules references, but nonetheless will be able to finish on the top of the pack due to a good outing in the draft, as well as hunting the waiver wire hard. He won't be involved in too many trades, but if he is, buyer beware: you may end up losing more than you gain.
Caravati: You sometimes wonder if David knows he is playing fantasy football against people, or rather just accidentally clicks the wrong button on his computer screen and ends up winning games by accident. With an apologetic "aw shucks" he will wallop your team, yet opponents will find themselves incapable of coming up with a venomous insult to hurl in his direction. He really may be as close to an unblemished lamb as they come. He will finish near the top, but not at it- making it into the playoffs but failing to seal the deal.
Martin: If you wonder if David realizes he is playing fantasy football, you may question if Martin even owns a computer. He will seemingly start a random group of players. No research, no plan and often times no idea who is playing week to week. Even if he starts three bye players and Ray Rice at running back, he will still manage to beat teams week in and week out in frustrating fashion. Martin will fail to make the playoffs this year, but won't be the ultimate loser. First year of med-school, expect Martin's involvement to be at an all-time low. While you are sweating over your picks for the week, he will be elbows deep in some cadaver whistling a happy tune and oblivious to the intense fantasy play surrounding him.
Sam: If you've talked to Sam in the past year, you're sure to realize that he "had the best draft" and "should've won the league" and can fill in the blank with the excuses provided: injuries, bad luck, Daddy Dane working against him, etc. This year, Sam will again have "The Best Draft" and again be "plagued" by "misfortune" that leaves him in the losers bracket.
Casey: Like a doe prancing through the woods, Casey is an innocent, and has no idea that he is in the line of sight for many a hunter. No longer a gimme opponent, Casey will win a few games, but won't make much a splash. He will end up in the loser's bracket, but won't be the ultimate loser. You'll look at his roster and wish you had one or two of his players, but then look at the rest of the team and realize you haven't heard of any of them before. Fresh out of the "Internship" Casey may use some black magic he learned at the feet of shadowy national leaders to get a few gems from the waiver wire, but won't be much of a threat.
Mr. Gray: Sexed up for the first time in years, David will be humming with marital bliss and be looking to smack a few of us around with his freshly engorged penis. David is the surprise for this year: I'm predicting he makes the championship game yet loses by a mile. He will be happy with the result however and look onto the 2017 season where he can finally get the gold. He won't play much on the waiver wire, but will be active in trading throughout the first part of the season, at least when he has an internet connection since he lives in Bum Eff Nowhere.
Troy: Skinny as he is, he is always hungry and not just for food. Troy is literally salivating over the idea of making it to the big show, but alas this isn't his year. The players he picks will look good form the outset, but will slide down the long hill of mediocrity and failed expectations. As the weeks progress, look for Troy to get desperate and start making ludicrous wire pick-ups in hopes of hitting a ringer by chance, and also offering up ridiculous trades.
Eric: The only father among us, Eric will spend the nights he is already awake with baby campbell to peruse the wire and make pickups. He will make some great moves throughout the season, and on top of a solid draft will make the winner's playoff. He will make it to the semi-finals before he is bested, and then have to tell his son that his father has failed to bring glory to the family name.
Daddy: Solid draft, he will fail to make moves throughout the season needed to keep his team afloat. Busy with work and then "volunteering" for YL, time will be stretched to thin and the commish won't be able to keep his team on track. That, combined with a heavy guilt complex will convince Joe that winning the league would seem like it is fixed, and he won't even make the playoff.
Isaac: Newcomer though he is, he is in "the dirtbag" division, and that gives Isaac a great chance of making the playoffs. His competition: Jew, James and Eric. Word on the street is that Nagle is great at fantasy baseball, so we will soon see if these skills can transfer into the world of the NFL. The eternal optimist, Isaac wants everyone to win the league, but ironically this lack of a killer instinct will prevent him from taking home the gold, and yes, even though his chances are great, of even making the playoffs.
Nelson: The Ultimate Loser. That's right, Joe is gonna make moves this year that make picking Jordy Nelson in the draft seem like an alright idea in comparison. He will win three games, and then injuries and poor management will send his team to the trash heap and him to a high school classroom. Predicted SAT scores: Critical Reading: 450, Math: 500, Writing: 400. 950/1600 didn't cut it in high school, and won't cut it now mon frere.
Tim: Dangerous, and extremely knowledgeable, Tim will be the ultimate winner this year. He is dedicated, knows what he is doing, and is in a position that encourages him to always know what the competition is up to. He will fall once in the regular season, but will steam roll through the playoffs and get to keep that shiny ring.
Justin: Freshly married as well, Justin will try his best, but at every turn be making bumbles that keep his team just short of winning games. He will be close in all the competitions, but alas, will lose by a few points. He will have a great number of points overall, but every week by some strange alignment of the sun and stars will be beaten.
Vick: hahaha
James: I will make the winner's playoffs for the first time, and because I am taking this way too seriously this year, will have a good draft. That's right boys, get ready to get on the train, cause this thing is choo-chooing straight down your throats.
Strap in boys and get ready, because it is almost the best day of the year (draft day) and take heart, since for now, you're still undefeated.
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