A night filled with wonder and 0 smoke breaks, we come out of the draft looking forward to lots of victories and defeats (and Jack making sneaky trades).
The following ranking is based off amateur analysis, all of which is my own. Take it or leave it. I do not rank myself in this, so don't be thrown off by only 15 teams.
1. David Caravati (B)
Likes: Tyrod Taylor, Ezekiel Elliot, and Seahawks D
Dislikes: Frank Gore, Doug Martin, Marvin Jones
Analysis: Huge upside in Tyrod Taylor, who has a good O-Line and Sammy Watkins catching his sweet balls. Big on Ezekiel Elliot (even without Tony Romo spreading out the D). He is a great runner and Dallas has an Offensive Line that can make holes big enough for a truck to go through. Seahawks D is always great with the Legion of Boom and Pete Carroll is crafty like a fox. On the downside, you have Doug Martin, who plays for a Tampa Bay team that 1. Wants Jameis to be it's future, and 2. has sucked for a long time. I don't trust Martin's health either. Expect an early season-ending injury. Same with Frank Gore who is like 50 now. Finally, Marvin Jones. Could be a great receiver, and some think he will be because Megatron is gone. But he also has Matty Ice throwing him the ball...
2. Troy Rich (A)
Likes: Aaron Rodgers, Devonta Freeman, OBJ, Jarvis Landry
Dislikes: Julius Thomas, Theo Reddick
Analysis: Troy looks like the man to beat this year. OBJ is hated by most people, but a great receiver. Aaron Rodgers is going to put another wonderful year up numbers wise, and Jarvis Landry is a rising star in my opinion. Then Devonta Freeman, by far the best pick-up in Keepers and probably the reason we aren't having it next year. Troy was able to save a first round RB until the 5th. THE 5th. Ridiculous. So I guess Troy really gets an A for last year's draft.
3. Tim Friedel (A)
Likes: Todd Gurley, Mark Ingram, Tom Brady, Carolina D
Dislikes: Randall Cobb, Rishard Matthews, Ryan Fitzpatrick
Tim got a great first round keeper in Todd Gurley, and was able to get a surprise second round find in Mark Ingram. Then he added to his success by grabbing Brady who fell late due to the four game suspension. That being said, the season isn't that long, and four weeks is a lot of time to have to use Ryan Fitzpatrick as your starting quarterback. Also, Randall Cobb couldn't make a splash last year WITHOUT Jordy Nelson around, and Rishard Matthews plays for a team that likes to run and when it doesn't run has better receivers than Rishard Matthews.
4. Sam Bowman (B-)
Likes: Julio Jones, Michael Floyd
Dislikes: Carlos Hyde, Duke Johnson Jr., Julian Edelman
Sam got Julio Jones, who is a points machine, and also got Michael Floyd, who, although he plays with John Brown and Larry Fitz, I like. Then Sam got Carlos Hyde and Julian Edelman, and with Sam's "Curse" or "bad luck," those two guys are bound to go down with season ending injuries. Duke Johnson Jr. plays for a Cleveland team that has been consulting a Magic 8 ball for the past few years on personnel decisions, which led them to get Johnny Manziel and then RGIII as their quarterbacks. I.e., not a lot of air support for a running back to get some momentum.
5. David Gray (A+)
Likes: Pretty much all his starters
Dislikes: Vincent Jackson and Doug Baldwin? Kind of?
David probably had the best draft. Eli, A.P., Amari Cooper, and Jordan Reed ain't nothing to shake a stick at. Matt Jones could have a good year or a horrible one, but I like the risk taking. Doug Baldwin scored on a third of his catches last year. Some would say this is impossible to repeat, but I bet he will do it somehow. David had a solid draft for 2016. If he loses, it is not because of who he picked night one.
6. Casey Costa (B)
Likes: Sterling Shephard, Blake Bortles, Gronk
Dislikes: All his running backs.
I like Sterling Shepard. I think he is gonna be a great rookie. Blake Bortles is a QB who you could get late, and Gronk is year in and year out the best TE in the league (or at least the most used). Even with out Tom Brady he will still be crushing opponents with his dance moves and bright colored clothing. However, all the running backs Casey picked (and he has 3 starting), Jennings and Forte are both gonna be on committees I think, and Jonathan Stewart has just been perpetually underwhelming.
7. Isaac Nagle (C)
Likes: Lamar Miller, Thomas Rawls, Allen Hurns
Dislikes: Phillip Rivers, Melvin Gordon
Love Lamar Miller as a big time back this year, and with the absence of Beast Mode in Seattle, I can see Thomas Rawls doing big things too. Allen Hurns is coming off a good year and will in all probability have a better year this time around. On the other hand, Phillip Rivers and Melvin Gordon play for San Diego, which sucks, and I think it's because of them. I may be wrong, but Melvin Gordon is a starting running back and didn't score a running touchdown last year. Unacceptable.
8. Martin Deberdanisis (C)
Likes: Palmer, Jeffrey, Hopkins, Moncrief
Dislikes: His Running Backs
Good Qb and wideout options, not good RBs. He has a backup to DJJ, and then the possible starting RB for the Eagles, who aren't good. We'll see how it works out, but I am a fan of the wide receiver mix he has, and even though Carson is getting old, he's still got it.
9. Joe Danehower (C)
Likes: Mariotta, Yeldon, Lacy, Jackson
Dislikes: Wheaton, Ebron, Redskins D.
Even though he pissed us all off during the draft, Joe made out pretty well, I believe in Lacy and Yeldon, that they can both have good years, and I think Mariotta will establish himself as one of the better QBs in the league at this point. Ebron has yet to make himself worth the money, I don't know who Wheaton is and don't care to find out, and I think Joe is picking the Redskins D out of some kind of moral duty.
10. Joe Nelson (C-)
Likes: Cam, Kelce, and Jamaal
Dislikes: Tampa Bay Players
I think Cam is gonna match his running touchdowns from last year, Kelce is a rising star at TE, and Jamaal Charles is being seriously undersold for another year. However, Tampa Bay WR and TE suck, and have no business starting on a fantasy football team when there are other options. Out of Joe's surprisingly heavy TE team though, I also like Jimmy Graham on the bench.
11. Derek Jones (C-)
Likes: Langford, Dez, Big Ben
Dislikes: Golden Tate, Dwayne Allen, Dez
You may have noticed I both Like and Dislike Dez. He could really go either way. Romo is gone, and although Dak Prescott put on a tutorial in the preseason, don't expect that to continue on throughout the rest of the year. Unless Romo gets healthy quick, I think Dez' numbers are gonna nose-dive. Golden Tate pisses me off, and Dwayne Allen just seems to block. I do think Big Ben will have a good year with Antonio Brown, and Jeremy Langford will take the lead in Chi town.
12. Justin Reynolds (B)
Likes: Sammy Watkins, Gary Barnridge, Latavius Murray, Allen Robinson
Dislikes: Matt Stafford, Jeremy Hill,
Love Sammy Watkins, has Tyrod at QB and has a year of experience under his belt. Gary Barnridge is set up to be one of the top TEs this year, and Latavius Murray is my bet to be a breakout star this year. Then Justin got Matt Stafford out of a lot of QBs who don;t suck, and Jeremy Hill, who never seems to be able to put together a solid year performance. Allen Robinson is great, but I have a bad feeling he will get hurt this year. But that is also superstition and he has Blake Bortles throwing to him, so hopefully he will stay healthy and Justin will reap the rewards.
13. Joe Vickers (D)
Likes: David Johnson, Greg Olsen
Dislikes: Giovani Bernard, Chris Ivory, Joe Vickers
David Johnson is awesome, and if no injuries occur is gonna put up mad numbers this year. Greg Olsen likewise is awesome, and I think has an even better year ahead of him on a Carolina team that is really great offensively. I don't like the flex RB options. In a league that's doing half PPR and is super deep, I don't know how you end up with a ton of RBs in flex spots. Also, the manager will probably find some way to screw up even the good players.
14. Eric Imhof (D)
Likes: Antonio Brown
Dislikes: Everyone else
Ew. What was Eric thinking? CJ Anderson sucks, and plays for a sucky team with a questionable QB. Antonio Gates is old, Kirk Cousins could be great, but I don't think will be, and just the name Danny Woodhead pisses me off. Antonio Brown has to have a great year for Eric to be successful, so he better start praying for Big Ben to stay healthy, because last time he got hurt Antonio's numbers took a steep nose dive.
15. Jack Lindley (F)
Likes: ?
Dislikes: Everything
I don't know what Jack was doing. Possibly throwing the league. What a God-awful group of players he has put together. Ameer Abdullah? Please. I do like A.J. Green. very pick Jack made in the draft though pretty much led to myself and Tim scoffing in Casey's apartment.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Monday, August 15, 2016
Introducing Isaac Nagle Pt. 2
To The Boners It May Concern:
I group up an unathletic pipsqueak of a boy having aspirations of playing in the big game but lacking the ability. I would sit on the bench of my rec league basketball team waiting for my chance to get in and put up my usual stat line – 0/2 FG’s, ¼ FT’s, 1 point, 3 rebounds, and 2 fouls. I was deemed my team’s best defender because that’s the nice way of telling a kid that he can’t shoot for crap. But I had a fire in my bones and a desire to prove myself.
For years that fire has been smoldering under the surface of a mild-mannered yearbook advisor and minister to the youths who has waited for his ‘Rudy’ moment of being called off the bench and put into the big game. Men of Renob this is that moment. In the downfall of a giant a void is left that can only be filled by someone willing and available. In this crucial moment of your league I come, casually sliding into your DMs, and hoping to put up a respectable equivalent of my rec league stat line.
You may say “But Isaac, what experience do you have at fantasy football? How can we trust you’ll be a worthy opponent week after week?” Let me refer you to the metaphorical ring on my finger.
- This is the championship game from 5 years ago in longest tenured league, a $100 a pop league of 12 teams which I have won once in 8 seasons. Let me address a few things.
- Yes, it’s 10:49am and my phone is already down to 63%. Thanks iPhone.
- Yes, I did make the championship as the 7 seed with a 7-6 record and beat the 8 seed who had a 6-7 record by .12 points. Back then we used fractional points on yards so we didn’t get stuck with the whole one yard could equal a full point debacle.
- Yes, only 5 people contributed a like on my photo, a response on Instagram so tepid it made me rethink my priorities.
- My opponents name was creatively SkittlesTasteTheDwayneBowe, mine was OhBabyItsTheIMonkey. I’ve gotten better since.
So with money from 2012 still lining my pocket I approach this league with a confidence only champions can have. I come prepared to give it my all, wholly expecting a fresh challenge and a difficult path ahead. I thank you for your invitation, your dedication, and that dog video that made me giggle to myself alone in my office for the full two minutes.
I await our competition excitedly.
Isaac L. Nagle
General Manager
I group up an unathletic pipsqueak of a boy having aspirations of playing in the big game but lacking the ability. I would sit on the bench of my rec league basketball team waiting for my chance to get in and put up my usual stat line – 0/2 FG’s, ¼ FT’s, 1 point, 3 rebounds, and 2 fouls. I was deemed my team’s best defender because that’s the nice way of telling a kid that he can’t shoot for crap. But I had a fire in my bones and a desire to prove myself.
For years that fire has been smoldering under the surface of a mild-mannered yearbook advisor and minister to the youths who has waited for his ‘Rudy’ moment of being called off the bench and put into the big game. Men of Renob this is that moment. In the downfall of a giant a void is left that can only be filled by someone willing and available. In this crucial moment of your league I come, casually sliding into your DMs, and hoping to put up a respectable equivalent of my rec league stat line.
You may say “But Isaac, what experience do you have at fantasy football? How can we trust you’ll be a worthy opponent week after week?” Let me refer you to the metaphorical ring on my finger.
- This is the championship game from 5 years ago in longest tenured league, a $100 a pop league of 12 teams which I have won once in 8 seasons. Let me address a few things.
- Yes, it’s 10:49am and my phone is already down to 63%. Thanks iPhone.
- Yes, I did make the championship as the 7 seed with a 7-6 record and beat the 8 seed who had a 6-7 record by .12 points. Back then we used fractional points on yards so we didn’t get stuck with the whole one yard could equal a full point debacle.
- Yes, only 5 people contributed a like on my photo, a response on Instagram so tepid it made me rethink my priorities.
- My opponents name was creatively SkittlesTasteTheDwayneBowe, mine was OhBabyItsTheIMonkey. I’ve gotten better since.
So with money from 2012 still lining my pocket I approach this league with a confidence only champions can have. I come prepared to give it my all, wholly expecting a fresh challenge and a difficult path ahead. I thank you for your invitation, your dedication, and that dog video that made me giggle to myself alone in my office for the full two minutes.
I await our competition excitedly.
Isaac L. Nagle
General Manager
Introducing Isaac Nagle Pt. 1
Name? Isaac L. Nagle
Date of Birth? December 21st, 1989
Favorite Food? Victory
Favorite part of your body? The eternal flames that glow beneath my cheeks.
Least favorite part of your body? I'm not fond of two particularly pronounced freckles on my right knee that seem to be plotting against me.
Who would you rather have as your QB: Andrew Luck or Tom Brady? Are we talking real life? Luck. Fantasy? Brady - I'm playing for the championship, not just to make the playoffs. I don't trust Luck on a week to week basis. Dynasty? Luck. Tom has 2-3 years left, I need me a young buck.
Would you rather your penis be 10 ft long or 10 milimeters long? Milimeters. I've lived the 10 foot life, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
If you weren't on staff, what would you do? I'd likely try to take down Matthew Berry as the Fantasy King of Writing.
How do you view trades? Big pro trade guy. Especially when it benefits both teams. I'm all for blockbusters, small timers, and anything in between. I'm a big haggler. Send me your best offers.
If you had to choose four league members to be on your team in a zombie apocalypse, who would you choose and why?Draft pick one is Tim Friedel. He has a wiley X factor that I think would be best utilized in a zombie apocalypse scenario. If Tim isn't on your team you're doing it wrong. Second I'll go James. He's in the military right? Next I toss a broken pool stick to Casey Costa and Derek Jones, Dark Knight style, and have them duel to the death. I need some brains and engineering on my team and while I have many intellectuals to choose from I'll take my chances with them. Lastly I round out the group with Joe Danehower. We need a rallying point.
Marry, Eff and Kill: Joe Vickers, Joe Nelson, Joe Danehower. I'm a polygamist. So yes to all three for all three.
Favorite NFL team? The Washington Redskins
Least Favorite Thing About Marriage/Most Favorite Thing About Marriage? I love marriage. The Bad Bee is the best. My favorite thing is watching her grow into one of the biggest roles in FranCo. She's slowly taking over the biggest high school west of Richmond. She's a great teacher, almost finished her Master's, and an incredible leader for YL. She also makes everything we do way more fun. Big fan.
Describe your mindset for the season in a paragraph or less. I come into this league with tentative enthusiasm. Every league is different and while I've experienced fantasy success in the past I've never been in a 16 person league. I'll be a wild card. I could come out swinging with a solid draft or I could get nervous, draft Jarrett Boykin first round and loudly express "Danny Coale caught that ball" before free-falling into a waiver-wire fever that lasts the whole season. I'm pumped to get this thing cranking.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
The Way Too Early 2016 Predictions
Hello and welcome to the RENOB review: your one-stop-shop for a completely unbiased and moderately accurate reflection on the fantasy football season. I'm James Harris, local fantasy guru, recently robbed of fantasy stardom by a series of flukes, but looking to score big in the coming season.
My favorite part of the fantasy football season is the weeks before, when hope is in all our hearts and we are all undefeated. Soon that will end for many of us, and our dreams of the the ring will be crushed. Who will win, who will lose, and who will have to retake the SAT as a 25 year old will be revealed in a few short months; but as we approach the season, and yes the draft itself, I decided it is high time for ole Grunge to make some predictions about the teams before the season begins.
Jack: Diabolical and with an alarming amount of time during the workday to scan the waiver wire, Jack is currently shaking in his boots since his main target, big ole Speer has bowed out of the league. Whose team will he be able to come down on like a vulture on the side of a highway? His silver tongue has spun many deals in the past which have left other owners accusing him of some sort of mind-controlling wizardry, but this year looks different. Everyone has a few years under their belts (except newcomer Nagle), and it could be tough for him to swindle some unsuspecting owner into trading Cam Newton for a 2nd string kicker. I predict Jack will still manage to finish in the top 10% this year, but just barely. He will fail to win the championship, and slink back to his hidey hole to conjure up some magic to win 2017.
Derek: Cold and calculating, when you look at Derek you sometimes wonder if you are looking into the dead eyes of a fantasy serial killer. He knows the rules frontward and backward, but this often fails to leave him on top. I predict he will quickly piss off the hand of the commissioner with his obscure rules references, but nonetheless will be able to finish on the top of the pack due to a good outing in the draft, as well as hunting the waiver wire hard. He won't be involved in too many trades, but if he is, buyer beware: you may end up losing more than you gain.
Caravati: You sometimes wonder if David knows he is playing fantasy football against people, or rather just accidentally clicks the wrong button on his computer screen and ends up winning games by accident. With an apologetic "aw shucks" he will wallop your team, yet opponents will find themselves incapable of coming up with a venomous insult to hurl in his direction. He really may be as close to an unblemished lamb as they come. He will finish near the top, but not at it- making it into the playoffs but failing to seal the deal.
Martin: If you wonder if David realizes he is playing fantasy football, you may question if Martin even owns a computer. He will seemingly start a random group of players. No research, no plan and often times no idea who is playing week to week. Even if he starts three bye players and Ray Rice at running back, he will still manage to beat teams week in and week out in frustrating fashion. Martin will fail to make the playoffs this year, but won't be the ultimate loser. First year of med-school, expect Martin's involvement to be at an all-time low. While you are sweating over your picks for the week, he will be elbows deep in some cadaver whistling a happy tune and oblivious to the intense fantasy play surrounding him.
Sam: If you've talked to Sam in the past year, you're sure to realize that he "had the best draft" and "should've won the league" and can fill in the blank with the excuses provided: injuries, bad luck, Daddy Dane working against him, etc. This year, Sam will again have "The Best Draft" and again be "plagued" by "misfortune" that leaves him in the losers bracket.
Casey: Like a doe prancing through the woods, Casey is an innocent, and has no idea that he is in the line of sight for many a hunter. No longer a gimme opponent, Casey will win a few games, but won't make much a splash. He will end up in the loser's bracket, but won't be the ultimate loser. You'll look at his roster and wish you had one or two of his players, but then look at the rest of the team and realize you haven't heard of any of them before. Fresh out of the "Internship" Casey may use some black magic he learned at the feet of shadowy national leaders to get a few gems from the waiver wire, but won't be much of a threat.
Mr. Gray: Sexed up for the first time in years, David will be humming with marital bliss and be looking to smack a few of us around with his freshly engorged penis. David is the surprise for this year: I'm predicting he makes the championship game yet loses by a mile. He will be happy with the result however and look onto the 2017 season where he can finally get the gold. He won't play much on the waiver wire, but will be active in trading throughout the first part of the season, at least when he has an internet connection since he lives in Bum Eff Nowhere.
Troy: Skinny as he is, he is always hungry and not just for food. Troy is literally salivating over the idea of making it to the big show, but alas this isn't his year. The players he picks will look good form the outset, but will slide down the long hill of mediocrity and failed expectations. As the weeks progress, look for Troy to get desperate and start making ludicrous wire pick-ups in hopes of hitting a ringer by chance, and also offering up ridiculous trades.
Eric: The only father among us, Eric will spend the nights he is already awake with baby campbell to peruse the wire and make pickups. He will make some great moves throughout the season, and on top of a solid draft will make the winner's playoff. He will make it to the semi-finals before he is bested, and then have to tell his son that his father has failed to bring glory to the family name.
Daddy: Solid draft, he will fail to make moves throughout the season needed to keep his team afloat. Busy with work and then "volunteering" for YL, time will be stretched to thin and the commish won't be able to keep his team on track. That, combined with a heavy guilt complex will convince Joe that winning the league would seem like it is fixed, and he won't even make the playoff.
Isaac: Newcomer though he is, he is in "the dirtbag" division, and that gives Isaac a great chance of making the playoffs. His competition: Jew, James and Eric. Word on the street is that Nagle is great at fantasy baseball, so we will soon see if these skills can transfer into the world of the NFL. The eternal optimist, Isaac wants everyone to win the league, but ironically this lack of a killer instinct will prevent him from taking home the gold, and yes, even though his chances are great, of even making the playoffs.
Nelson: The Ultimate Loser. That's right, Joe is gonna make moves this year that make picking Jordy Nelson in the draft seem like an alright idea in comparison. He will win three games, and then injuries and poor management will send his team to the trash heap and him to a high school classroom. Predicted SAT scores: Critical Reading: 450, Math: 500, Writing: 400. 950/1600 didn't cut it in high school, and won't cut it now mon frere.
Tim: Dangerous, and extremely knowledgeable, Tim will be the ultimate winner this year. He is dedicated, knows what he is doing, and is in a position that encourages him to always know what the competition is up to. He will fall once in the regular season, but will steam roll through the playoffs and get to keep that shiny ring.
Justin: Freshly married as well, Justin will try his best, but at every turn be making bumbles that keep his team just short of winning games. He will be close in all the competitions, but alas, will lose by a few points. He will have a great number of points overall, but every week by some strange alignment of the sun and stars will be beaten.
Vick: hahaha
James: I will make the winner's playoffs for the first time, and because I am taking this way too seriously this year, will have a good draft. That's right boys, get ready to get on the train, cause this thing is choo-chooing straight down your throats.
Strap in boys and get ready, because it is almost the best day of the year (draft day) and take heart, since for now, you're still undefeated.
My favorite part of the fantasy football season is the weeks before, when hope is in all our hearts and we are all undefeated. Soon that will end for many of us, and our dreams of the the ring will be crushed. Who will win, who will lose, and who will have to retake the SAT as a 25 year old will be revealed in a few short months; but as we approach the season, and yes the draft itself, I decided it is high time for ole Grunge to make some predictions about the teams before the season begins.
Jack: Diabolical and with an alarming amount of time during the workday to scan the waiver wire, Jack is currently shaking in his boots since his main target, big ole Speer has bowed out of the league. Whose team will he be able to come down on like a vulture on the side of a highway? His silver tongue has spun many deals in the past which have left other owners accusing him of some sort of mind-controlling wizardry, but this year looks different. Everyone has a few years under their belts (except newcomer Nagle), and it could be tough for him to swindle some unsuspecting owner into trading Cam Newton for a 2nd string kicker. I predict Jack will still manage to finish in the top 10% this year, but just barely. He will fail to win the championship, and slink back to his hidey hole to conjure up some magic to win 2017.
Derek: Cold and calculating, when you look at Derek you sometimes wonder if you are looking into the dead eyes of a fantasy serial killer. He knows the rules frontward and backward, but this often fails to leave him on top. I predict he will quickly piss off the hand of the commissioner with his obscure rules references, but nonetheless will be able to finish on the top of the pack due to a good outing in the draft, as well as hunting the waiver wire hard. He won't be involved in too many trades, but if he is, buyer beware: you may end up losing more than you gain.
Caravati: You sometimes wonder if David knows he is playing fantasy football against people, or rather just accidentally clicks the wrong button on his computer screen and ends up winning games by accident. With an apologetic "aw shucks" he will wallop your team, yet opponents will find themselves incapable of coming up with a venomous insult to hurl in his direction. He really may be as close to an unblemished lamb as they come. He will finish near the top, but not at it- making it into the playoffs but failing to seal the deal.
Martin: If you wonder if David realizes he is playing fantasy football, you may question if Martin even owns a computer. He will seemingly start a random group of players. No research, no plan and often times no idea who is playing week to week. Even if he starts three bye players and Ray Rice at running back, he will still manage to beat teams week in and week out in frustrating fashion. Martin will fail to make the playoffs this year, but won't be the ultimate loser. First year of med-school, expect Martin's involvement to be at an all-time low. While you are sweating over your picks for the week, he will be elbows deep in some cadaver whistling a happy tune and oblivious to the intense fantasy play surrounding him.
Sam: If you've talked to Sam in the past year, you're sure to realize that he "had the best draft" and "should've won the league" and can fill in the blank with the excuses provided: injuries, bad luck, Daddy Dane working against him, etc. This year, Sam will again have "The Best Draft" and again be "plagued" by "misfortune" that leaves him in the losers bracket.
Casey: Like a doe prancing through the woods, Casey is an innocent, and has no idea that he is in the line of sight for many a hunter. No longer a gimme opponent, Casey will win a few games, but won't make much a splash. He will end up in the loser's bracket, but won't be the ultimate loser. You'll look at his roster and wish you had one or two of his players, but then look at the rest of the team and realize you haven't heard of any of them before. Fresh out of the "Internship" Casey may use some black magic he learned at the feet of shadowy national leaders to get a few gems from the waiver wire, but won't be much of a threat.
Mr. Gray: Sexed up for the first time in years, David will be humming with marital bliss and be looking to smack a few of us around with his freshly engorged penis. David is the surprise for this year: I'm predicting he makes the championship game yet loses by a mile. He will be happy with the result however and look onto the 2017 season where he can finally get the gold. He won't play much on the waiver wire, but will be active in trading throughout the first part of the season, at least when he has an internet connection since he lives in Bum Eff Nowhere.
Troy: Skinny as he is, he is always hungry and not just for food. Troy is literally salivating over the idea of making it to the big show, but alas this isn't his year. The players he picks will look good form the outset, but will slide down the long hill of mediocrity and failed expectations. As the weeks progress, look for Troy to get desperate and start making ludicrous wire pick-ups in hopes of hitting a ringer by chance, and also offering up ridiculous trades.
Eric: The only father among us, Eric will spend the nights he is already awake with baby campbell to peruse the wire and make pickups. He will make some great moves throughout the season, and on top of a solid draft will make the winner's playoff. He will make it to the semi-finals before he is bested, and then have to tell his son that his father has failed to bring glory to the family name.
Daddy: Solid draft, he will fail to make moves throughout the season needed to keep his team afloat. Busy with work and then "volunteering" for YL, time will be stretched to thin and the commish won't be able to keep his team on track. That, combined with a heavy guilt complex will convince Joe that winning the league would seem like it is fixed, and he won't even make the playoff.
Isaac: Newcomer though he is, he is in "the dirtbag" division, and that gives Isaac a great chance of making the playoffs. His competition: Jew, James and Eric. Word on the street is that Nagle is great at fantasy baseball, so we will soon see if these skills can transfer into the world of the NFL. The eternal optimist, Isaac wants everyone to win the league, but ironically this lack of a killer instinct will prevent him from taking home the gold, and yes, even though his chances are great, of even making the playoffs.
Nelson: The Ultimate Loser. That's right, Joe is gonna make moves this year that make picking Jordy Nelson in the draft seem like an alright idea in comparison. He will win three games, and then injuries and poor management will send his team to the trash heap and him to a high school classroom. Predicted SAT scores: Critical Reading: 450, Math: 500, Writing: 400. 950/1600 didn't cut it in high school, and won't cut it now mon frere.
Tim: Dangerous, and extremely knowledgeable, Tim will be the ultimate winner this year. He is dedicated, knows what he is doing, and is in a position that encourages him to always know what the competition is up to. He will fall once in the regular season, but will steam roll through the playoffs and get to keep that shiny ring.
Justin: Freshly married as well, Justin will try his best, but at every turn be making bumbles that keep his team just short of winning games. He will be close in all the competitions, but alas, will lose by a few points. He will have a great number of points overall, but every week by some strange alignment of the sun and stars will be beaten.
Vick: hahaha
James: I will make the winner's playoffs for the first time, and because I am taking this way too seriously this year, will have a good draft. That's right boys, get ready to get on the train, cause this thing is choo-chooing straight down your throats.
Strap in boys and get ready, because it is almost the best day of the year (draft day) and take heart, since for now, you're still undefeated.
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